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I'm having the same dream again today.
It's a dream I've been having for as long as I can remember. In it, I'm a princess who can't leave her castle.
Day after day, I gaze out at the scenery that stretches beyond my window.
Then one day, a prince appears.
I can't see his face against the backlight, but his golden hair sparkles and shimmers, becoming as transparent and white as crystal.
Seeing my surprise, the prince gracefully extends his slender, beautiful hand toward me.
◇◇◇
Morning! Time to get up. Jeez . . . if you won't wake up . . . I'm gonna have to come get you.
Huh? Owww!
That familiar male voice is followed by a loud thump from below.
The pain from my bruised knee and the sunlight filtering through the curtain gaps snap my groggy mind awake.
I messed up—fell asleep at the kotatsu, a heated table with a blanket, again.
Even though it's spring, the kotatsu is still irresistible when there's a chill in the air, and I keep making this same mistake.
Morning! Time to get up. Jeez . . . if you won't wake up . . . I'm gonna have to come for you.
Alright, alright . . .
Holding my head in frustration over this repeated failure, I reach around on the kotatsu for my phone to stop the alarm—I mean, dialogue—that keeps repeating.
I quickly turn on the home screen, and as I'm grinning at the gorgeous face of my favorite character Kaede set as my wallpaper, I notice something unusual, I have a new email.
I fumble for my glasses, put them on, and check the sender—it's from some company I registered with at some point. When I open it:
Happy Birthday!
The message appears with an attached coupon.
I return to the home screen and check the date.
. . . Happy birthday to me . . .
That's right. Today, April 2nd, is my twenty-fifth birthday—Mikoto Futahashi's twenty-fifth birthday.
Though for me, birthdays are no different from any other day.
No one's going to contact me, and there's certainly not going to be a birthday party, so it's just another day.
Still, the fact that my only birthday message is an automated one . . . What a hollow birthday . . .
Without even washing my face, I make some piping hot cocoa first thing and blow on it.
Thanks.
I mutter sarcastically and take a sip. The cocoa is hotter than I expected . . .
Tch!
An ungraceful sound escapes me.
I press my slightly burned tongue against the roof of my mouth to soothe it while turning on the TV.
The female news anchor on screen is speaking cheerfully in a bright, clear voice.
With their charm and elegance, these women clearly live in a completely different world than I do.
They’ve got it made, haven’t they . . .
The words slip out of my mouth.
Always talking to myself—another old habit I haven't outgrown, even as an adult.
Being an only child with working parents who were often away, I got pretty good at entertaining myself as a kid. I think I accepted around age twenty that while my body ages, my inner self doesn't really change much.
I roll the mug between my palms, waiting for it to cool down.
Today's Fortune Reading!
The text appears in cute, colorful letters.
Fortune-telling is really just the Barnum effect—making you feel like vague, general statements apply specifically to you . . . or so I tell myself, but . . .
I guess you can't help being curious about what catches your eye, you know?
I find myself watching intently. Even a gloomy otaku like me is still a girl at heart who gets curious about little fortune readings, I think with self-deprecation.
They start announcing the daily horoscope rankings from eleventh place for each zodiac sign.
Second place is announced. My sign, Aries, still hasn't come up.
Before first place, they announce twelfth place. Still nothing.
Oh, this means . . .
Congratulations! First place goes to Aries!
Whoa! Yes!
Whoa, that was loud! My voice is echoing through this whole one-bedroom apartment. Hey, maybe good things really do happen on birthdays!
I'm so simple-minded, I think to myself as I sip the cocoa that's finally the perfect temperature.
You'll get close to your destined person! Be brave and take a chance!
Pfft!
I nearly spit out my cocoa but manage to swallow it instead. I wipe away the cocoa trickling from the corner of my mouth as I set down the mug.
And then, someone comes to mind.
I almost whisper the name aloud, but quickly shake my head to push the thought away.
Oh no, I need to start getting ready. I force myself to switch gears and head to the bathroom to wash my face.
I look at my reflection in the mirror. Staring back at me is my face, uncharacteristically tinged with a slight blush.
I don't have anyone I could call a friend. Of course, I've never had a boyfriend either.
When asked why, I can easily answer "Because I'm not cut out for that sort of thing"—that's how little interest I've had in that whole area.
It would be a lie to say I'm not lonely at all, but given my naturally passive personality, I feel it's more worthwhile to invest my time and energy in my favorite hobbies rather than spending them trying to communicate with others.
So it was inevitable that someone like me would get hooked on a world where I could create my own personal space and enjoy countless stories unfolding in fictional worlds—the 2D world.
In other words, I'm a full-fledged 2D otaku. I have lots of favorite characters.
Among them all, my absolute favorite character, Kaede, has quite literally turned my life upside down.
Kaede Kondomachi. In the dating sim, he and I are childhood friends. He can be a bit pushy sometimes, but he's a kind person who's always watching over tomboyish me—strictly within the game, of course.
Getting hooked on what you'd call dating sims, I discovered a wonderful world that expands infinitely through choices alone.
For someone like me who had shut herself away in her own world since childhood, it was reason enough to become completely absorbed.
My own personal space where I could immerse myself thoroughly in the worlds I loved. I thought that was all I needed, and that it would continue to be enough going forward. That's what I thought, but . . .
He looks like Kaede.
That was what made me start watching Yugo Sasaki, a coworker from my company.
His wavy black hair is styled with wax, his slightly droopy eyes have a sweet quality to them, and there's a small mole at the left corner of his mouth. And of course, he's tall—just what you'd expect from someone so handsome.
He's a slightly more mature, composed version of Kaede from the screen—a real heartthrob.
Yugo works in a different department on a different floor from me. Even so, I keep hearing about his good reputation. On top of his good looks, he's apparently a genuinely good person too.
Whenever his name came up, my female coworkers would get all excited while gossiping.
Even though I managed to get into a decent company, my interpersonal skills haven't changed—I'm someone who might as well not exist as far as everyone around me is concerned. He and I are completely different species living in totally different worlds.
Truly someone existing on a cloud above.
I've had a conversation with him exactly once.
It was after I'd been at the company for over a year and was finally getting used to the work. I went to the small, unpopular break area on the fourth floor as usual, looking for a sugar fix during a short break. It only had a vending machine and a simple bench that could seat about two people.
The company has a much bigger and nicer break room like a proper lounge, so naturally employees tend to gather there instead.
But for me, someone who didn't really want to run into people at work, that place wasn't a sanctuary—it was just a zone that would deal massive psychic damage.
That day as well, I stood in front of the break room vending machine, playing my favorite dating sim app while casually selecting my usual cocoa with one hand . . . or so I thought, but my finger had mindlessly pressed the wrong button. What came out of the slot was black coffee.
Come on, don't put the bitter stuff right next to the sweet stuff . . .
What am I going to do? I can't drink black coffee . . .
I guess I have no choice . . . I'll have to buy another one.
Um, excuse me.
I turned around at the voice, and there was my favorite character.
Well, to be precise, it wasn't Kaede—it was Yugo Sasaki.
A sudden, close-range encounter with my favorite character.
I came here for my sugar fix, but ended up feasting my eyes on my favorite character instead. What a turn of events.
I'd like to use the vending machine—is that okay?
. . . Oh, yesh!
Of course I'd be in the way, standing there spacing out in front of the vending machine.
Between the embarrassment and the tension of having my favorite character right in front of me, my mind went completely blank. I hurriedly looked ahead and rushed out of the break room.
Yugo probably won't remember this, but for a brief moment I was able to make eye contact with him. I'll use that to sustain me for the rest of my life. Amen.
Um, excuse me.
Eep . . . !
On my way to the elevator, a voice suddenly calls out from behind me, nearly making my knees buckle.
Were you maybe planning to buy another one?
I nervously turn around, and there's Yugo.
Oh, um . . .
I'm too flustered to answer properly. My hands are tingling and numb—maybe I'm not breathing right.
Can you drink this one?
Huh . . .
He turns toward me with a soft, warm smile. In his hand is a familiar can of cocoa.
I heard you saying you couldn't drink that earlier.
Yugo points to the coffee in my hand.
Wait, was I saying all my thoughts out loud?!
As he grins, I notice the same small mole at the left corner of his mouth as Kaede's.
Everything after that is a blur. Somehow I exchanged drinks with Yugo, made it back to my department, finished work, and went home.
I came to my senses lying in bed at home. For some reason, I was still clutching the can of cocoa I'd gotten from Yugo.
It felt like something out of a fantasy, but it really happened. I was so stunned that everything else became a haze.
But for Yugo, it was probably nothing special—just another ordinary moment in his day.
I kept telling myself not to overthink it, not to read too much into it, but whenever I spotted Yugo around the office, I couldn't help but watch him, and our eyes met several times.
I know. It's just my imagination.
. . . But as long as I keep these feelings to myself, I'm not bothering anyone.
In the real world, I was just a background character, but in that moment when he offered me cocoa in that break room—I truly became the protagonist.
Surely there's no harm in cherishing these feelings—the first ones I've ever had outside the 2D world.
I replay those bittersweet memories triggered by the fortune reading in my mind while getting ready for work.
And then I suddenly notice—I'm putting way more effort than usual into checking my appearance today, something I normally don't spend time on.
No, no, no—it's not like I'm thinking about that fortune reading or anything.
I put the practically new tinted lip balm I was holding back into my pouch. I'd bought it thinking I'd at least add some color to my lips, but after using it just once and feeling embarrassed, I hadn't touched it since.
But if . . . if Yugo really were my destined person . . .
. . . It'd be okay to get a little excited, right?
If I were playing a game, I'd never let an event like this slip by. Just for today, I'll give it my all in the 3D world too . . .
I pick up the lip balm again and carefully apply it to my lips. Since my usual makeup is just foundation and eyebrows, it's pretty minimal.
I stare intently at the mirror . . . Yeah, it doesn't look weird. I hope.
Since it's a good opportunity, maybe I should try the perfume I bought based on my favorite character but never actually used.
I'm getting kind of excited. Who would have thought there'd come a day when I'd actually look forward to going to work?
After applying just a touch of perfume, I grab my bag and do a final check in the full-length mirror.
To others, it probably looked hardly different from my usual appearance, but to me there was a world of difference.
You'll get close to your destined person! Be brave and take a chance!
The fortune teller's voice echoes in my mind.
That bell-like voice now sounded like a blessing.
Here I go . . . into battle!
I steel my resolve, turn the doorknob, and step outside.
The cool morning air feels pleasant against my flushed face. Taking a deep breath, the fresh spring air fills my lungs completely.
I had a feeling today was going to be a good day.
. . . He's not coming.
Another sigh—I've lost count of how many—slips out and echoes softly in the small, empty break room.
Today I had resolved to be brave and talk to Yugo.
Good work today. Thanks again for the cocoa the other day. I wanted to give you this to return the favor.
Rolling my sixth can of undrinkable black coffee between my hands while rehearsing those words over and over.
Ten minutes from home to the station. Twenty-five minutes by train. Five minutes from the station to the office.
For the entire forty-minutes commute, I was so focused on practicing those words and gestures that I didn't even mind the packed train and crowds of people that usually get me down.
Wanting to improve my chances of running into Yugo even slightly, I decided to visit that break room where we'd talked before more often today. All while acting completely natural, of course.
But he never appeared at all.
What started as nervous anticipation gradually mixed with despair as attempt after attempt failed, and I found myself sighing more and more.
Yugo didn't appear during this break either, and I trudged back to my department with heavier steps than usual.
Mikoto, are you feeling all right?
Huh?
When I returned to my seat, my colleague Kana, who sits next to me, looked at me with concern.
You've been away from your desk a lot today. That's not like you.
Oh, no—sorry. I'm fine.
If I were like her—like Kana—I probably could have gotten close to Yugo without any trouble.
I steal glances at her sitting next to me with perfect posture.
Kana, who started at the same time as me and sits next to me, is—to put it simply—popular.
Her large, bright eyes and full lips are enhanced with natural, not-too-heavy makeup, and her graceful fingertips typing on the keyboard shine with elegant pink nail polish.
Her naturally brown hair, which reaches about to her collarbone when down, is gathered with a cute clip during work, leaving her slender, delicate nape beautifully exposed.
She's the perfect embodiment of the "girl you want to protect" type.
Just because we started at the same time, our boss sometimes compares us. For example, while we basically do clerical work, when there are deliveries to other departments, she gets called instead of me. It's just the way things are.
Are you sure you're okay? Don't push yourself too hard.
She takes my hand and gently places a piece of candy in my palm. How calculated.
Oh, thank you.
I thank her vaguely and accept the candy. Strawberry milk flavor. How calculated.
Is she thinking something like "Look how nice I am, caring even about a nobody like her!"
No, that's not it.
She's probably genuinely worried and genuinely trying to be kind. That's just who she is.
When I start counting all the differences between her and me, I get a headache.
. . . This is bad. I'm getting discouraged. Today was supposed to be about being brave.
4:00 p.m. More than half the day has already passed. All completely wasted.
It's a birthday that no one notices.
I don't need to be celebrated, but just for today—just for today—I want to be someone's protagonist.
I'm heading to the break room for the tenth time today.
My steps are heavy. My gaze naturally turns downward.
The words "this is the last time" slow my steps like a curse.
Where did my morning confidence go? . . . I'd forgotten that otaku are naturally fragile.
Just around that corner is the break room. Anxiety spreads through my body with each step.
Like a detective, I lean my back against the wall and steady my breathing.
Whew . . .
I exhale and carefully peek out to scope out the break room.
There was the person I wanted to see more than anyone else today.
There was Yugo, sitting on the bench drinking coffee while fiddling with his phone.
Even though I haven't done anything yet, emotional music and end credits start rolling in my head.
Meanwhile, in another part of my mind:
Captain! Captain! Target confirmed!
Hey! Stay calm, everyone!
A little one-person play is unfolding. In other words, I'm in a panic.
Just say it. Thank him for that time. Right now, I feel like I can do anything.
I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and slowly exhale.
I step forward with my right foot, then my left.
I put on my best smile before entering the break room.
But then.
Aw! I pressed the wrong button!
An annoyingly sweet voice reaches my ears.
There's a woman in the break room with Yugo.
Haha, again? You're really clumsy.
Yugo stands up from the bench, pats the woman's head a few times, and walks over to the vending machine.
You'll buy me another one? You're so sweet!
Thank you!
She says this as he hands her the cocoa. Her outstretched hand wraps around Yugo's arm.
I'm confronted by the sight of a man and woman touching, talking so intimately.
The longer I listen to their conversation, the longer I watch them together, the more I'm overwhelmed by emptiness—as if every function in my body has simply shut down.
At the same time, though, something else stirs within me.
Of course.
There's also a part of me that's gone completely calm.
I quietly turn on my heel.
No tears come.
I haven't done anything that would warrant tears.
I don't even have the right to be a tragic heroine.
That must be his girlfriend. She was cute. She looked completely put together.
She belonged right there next to Yugo—they were perfectly matched.
I roughly wipe the lip balm I'd reapplied before coming here off with the back of my hand.
I felt embarrassed at having thought, even for a moment, that I could be in that woman's position.
In the quiet of my mind, the only sound was my heartbeat, echoing with unusual heaviness.
Gahhh! Bitter!
I drain the rest of the beer can in one go and curse the bitterness lingering in my mouth.
It's past midnight in the park, I'm completely alone.
Beautiful cherry blossoms bloom in full glory above me as I sit on the bench, and the falling petals rustle as they swirl in the wind.
So pretty . . .
They appear as a beautiful pale pink during the day, but now, illuminated by the streetlights, they glow with a soft whiteness.
This recently renovated park near my apartment building constantly echoes with children's voices during the day.
From evening onward, it fills with the voices of adults enjoying cherry blossom viewing.
There's no way I could come alone to a park that bustles with people around the clock like this.
I'd always thought I'd like to spend an elegant afternoon here someday with a paperback book when there weren't many people around.
So much for elegance! There's nothing elegant about this crap!
I take out a fresh beer can from the convenience store bag and hook my finger on the pull tab.
The pleasant hiss of the can opening echoes through the empty park.
I take a sip. Still bitter.
I force the beer I don't even like down my throat.
My body overreacted to the alcohol I wasn't used to drinking, and even though it was just one can plus a little more, I was already pretty drunk.
Why am I forcing myself to drink beer like this? I have my reasons.
After what happened in the break room, overtime was waiting for me when I returned to work.
The consequences of taking ten breaks in a single day to see Yugo came back to haunt me. I was reaping what I sowed.
I couldn't muster any motivation and dragged myself through the overtime work. When I finally finished and checked the clock, it was past 10:00 p.m.
I took the train back to my station, and when I stopped by the convenience store near home to grab a bento or something like usual, I suddenly remembered.
Today is my birthday.
It's rare to have a birthday that doesn't make me feel happy at all, I thought bitterly.
As I wandered around the convenience store in a daze, scanning the shelves, I spotted a single piece of shortcake with a discount sticker.
Ah, how perfect. A discounted cake is exactly what I deserve. And while I'm at it, maybe I should buy some alcohol I can't even drink.
With that thought, I headed to the alcohol section and peered into the refrigerated case, but since I don't usually drink, I had no idea what to buy.
Just beer for now? Oh, just beer sounds kind of cool. Are there tall cans too? I can't drink much anyway, so the regular size is fine. Hmm. But if I only get one, the clerk might think "this girl can only handle one beer." Then, one more can . . . Oh, that lemon one looks tasty. I'll buy this too.
And so, with a convenience store bag containing two beer cans, one chuhai, and the discounted cake, I was heading home when I passed the park and was drawn to the cherry blossoms that caught my eye.
. . . Guess I'll go see the cherry blossoms.
I can't go during the day because of work, and I can't go on weekends because of the crowds, so midnight cherry blossom viewing was exactly what I needed.
And before I knew it, the second beer can was almost empty too.
This unfamiliar bitterness coating my tongue was the perfect match for a day like today.
I shove the half-eaten cake into my mouth, trying to wash away the bitterness.
All it does is make the cake taste even sweeter.
The sweetness feels like someone comforting me, and I nearly start crying.
A melancholy birthday night like this just makes the loneliness unbearable.
This is exactly when I should be looking at my favorite character, I think as I open my phone, but somehow I just can't focus and close it right away . . . Even my favorite 2D character, usually my go-to cure, doesn't work today.
I really am a mess, mentally and physically.
At least in my dreams, I'm a princess.
I think about that recurring dream from childhood—the same one I had this morning.
The prince who always appears there, with glittering golden hair swaying as he extends his hand to me—my very own prince.
That dream might be why I've always loved fantasy stories.
The contrast between my dream self and reality is impossibly frustrating.
Today is supposed to be my birthday, a special day . . .
Why do I have to feel like this . . . !
Just for today . . . on my birthday at least, come get me!
Only my voice echoes through the silent midnight park.
After a while, somewhere a dog barks.
Woof!
. . . I should go home.
If I keep wallowing here like this, I'll get completely swallowed up by negativity. Though I guess I've already been swallowed up plenty—by the alcohol too.
Haha!
I let out a dry, bitter laugh as I clean up the empty cans at my feet and stand up from the bench.
The untouched chuhai, a Japanese canned cocktail, can will take up space in the refrigerator.
Sorry for being noisy, I silently apologize to the neighbors as I leave the park—or rather, as I try to leave.
My feet catch on the small step at the park entrance.
Oh no—
Before I can even finish the thought, I'm already collapsed face-down on the ground.
I fell down. At twenty-five years old. In a deserted park at midnight.
Oh, this might be really bad.
By the time I realized how pathetic this was, it was too late.
The moment I hear something inside me that I'd barely been holding together finally shatter, heavy tears begin streaming down my cheeks one after another.
My knees hurt. I scraped my hands too. My glasses are crooked and my pantyhose is probably torn.
Pain shoots through various parts of my body as I lie collapsed on the ground.
But more than anything, my heart hurts.
I clench my fist tight, sand and all, against the emptiness welling up inside me.
The truth is, I've been lonely all along. I wanted friends, and I wanted a boyfriend too.
But I couldn't say it. I couldn't take that first step.
I want to be friends with people, but if I'm the one who tries talking to them first, I probably won't be able to have the fun conversations that everyone else seems to have so easily.
Let alone a boyfriend. If I don't even like myself, there's no way someone else would like me.
Those thoughts always crossed my mind.
Most importantly, I didn't have any charm that could make someone want to stay.
That's why I'd been desperately lying to myself all this time.
I'm fine on my own. I can survive. The 2D world on the screen is enough.
That's how I'd lived for twenty-five years, turning a blind eye to reality.
And now, the bill had come due.
If I had really tried, I could have done it.
But I didn't. Because I was afraid of getting hurt when I failed.
Even when I tried to muster just a little courage, I'd end up building up my own expectations like I did today, only to hurt myself and strike out.
In the end, I can't do anything.
My thoughts kept sinking deeper and deeper into a bottomless swamp of negativity.
An adult woman crawling on the ground at the park entrance, covered in sand and crying. No matter how you looked at it, I was a suspicious character.
I knew in my head that I needed to get up quickly, but my body wouldn't move.
The series of miserable incidents that happened today had been more than enough to push me past my breaking point.
I couldn't even move my hand to wipe away the tears that kept flowing.
That's when it happened.
Are you okay?
A clear voice came from above.
A voice so refreshing and sweet that it seemed out of place in my current situation.
When I lifted my tear-streaked face, I noticed a sinewy yet graceful hand extended toward me.
The owner of that hand had shimmering golden hair, just like in the dreams I'd always had.
Had my tendency to fantasize finally reached this point?
I was drunk, fallen, crying, and now hallucinations were on top of it all.
But right now, I didn't care if it was a hallucination or anything else.
You finally came to me.
I blurted this out without thinking and extended my sand-covered hand as well.
The young man's eyes widened in surprise for a moment, then he smiled gently.
Yeah, I came to see you.
The young man's hand grasped mine.
That graceful-looking hand was stronger than it appeared.
Oh, it's so smooth. What a beautiful hand . . . Yes. A beautiful . . . man's hand . . .
?!
Still lying on the ground, I vigorously shook off his arm.
This isn't a hallucination. This is real.
I jumped up and hurriedly adjusted my glasses that were about to slip off.
My head, which had been completely lost in drunken sentimentality, rapidly cleared.
Cold sweat broke out all over my body. I had finally caused trouble for another person.
I had to apologize and get out of here as quickly as possible.
With my face turned toward the ground—whether it was red or blue from embarrassment, I couldn't tell—I spoke in a voice barely above a whisper:
Thank you vewy mu-much.
That's what I managed to say, slurring my words. I wanted to die of embarrassment.
Still looking down, I bowed my head and tried to slip past him, practically fleeing.
Wait.
He grabbed my arm.
You're injured. Let me treat your wounds.
. . . Huh? I-injured?
Yeah. You're bleeding. Your left hand and both knees.
He released my arm and gently took my left hand instead.
Please, let me treat it.
He repeated his request, furrowing his brow with concern as he looked directly at me.
That was when I finally got a proper look at his face in the streetlight.
A sharp jawline. A beautiful nose with a bridge that is neither too prominent nor too flat. Thin lips with just a hint of cherry blossom pink. His beautiful, bright double-lidded eyes were large but perfectly balanced with his overall face. And that glittering hair.
Y-yes . . .
A woman with no experience around men and absolutely no social skills couldn't possibly resist such an incredibly handsome young man.
I looked away and replied in a cracked voice, completely embarrassing myself.
At my response, he broke into a bright smile.
Can you walk to the bench?
When I nodded, he supported me with his arm while brushing off all the sand clinging to my clothes.
I realized then just how tall he was. Standing next to me, he was a full head taller.
He gently took my hand and led me to the bench, then carefully helped me sit down.
I was being treated like a princess from a fairy tale, but somehow it felt more like receiving ordinary help than anything magical.
I'll go buy some first-aid supplies from the nearby convenience store. Please wait here.
I'll be right back!
He ran off.
But just as he exited the park, he suddenly stopped.
Ah!
He called out and immediately turned back.
When he rushed back to me, he wore an embarrassed expression.
Ehehe.
Um, I don't have any money on me. Could you lend me some?
He bowed his head politely.
I could almost see droopy dog ears on that head.
S-so cute . . . This is bad. I'm starting to have fun.
Here you go.
Since I didn't have any small change, I pulled out a 5000 yen bill from my wallet and handed it to him with a laugh.
Wait for me!
He carefully accepted the money before running off again.
Once he was completely out of sight, a thought occurred to me.
. . . Am I getting scammed here?
I had a feeling the young man wouldn't come back.
